every time i feel anxious i recall zadie smith’s words in white teeth about how no one deserves love all the time, that all we deserve is food, water, and shelter. i do not think she was calling for self-abasement but asking us to make our own way for ourselves, to expect from the world as much as we work to cull from it, and to take losses in stride as an inevitable portion of life’s offerings.
im here. i went out to get some vegetables and i have to get used to the horns from vehicles that could potentially run me over. dada and his wife are here in the kitchen with me, its a little awkward since me and dada havent seen each other in 8 years and bhauju (his wife) is new to the family. hopefully the communication issue will be gone soon.
Im on the way to the airport, last night i dreamt that i was in my home in nepal. not ours anymore, we sold it. mama, me, my 2 cousins and their mama were lounging in the sitting room, then things got pretty intense due to the presence of one of the cousins. i was crying and mama tried to support me. i told mama that i was going to surprise the neighbours later on since they hadnt seen me since we arrived. then i asked one of my cousins to pinch me because ive seen too many dreams, of me in nepal, that felt too real. she pinched me and i couldnt believe that i was really there. then i woke up.
This is how i imagine my whole time there, living each moment wondering if this is real or just another one of my dreams.